Today marks one year.
One year has passed, and a hollow ache permanently resides in my heart. I have journaled (those exact words), I have wept, I have struggled with my faith, and I have grieved. I think I always will, because nothing will ever fix the hole my father filled in my soul.
But I am stronger. I can talk about him now without falling apart, choking up, and crying more ugly tears. It still hurts, but I can now remember good memories and not just the painful ones of his decline.
I think he’d like that, for me to remember him with joy rather than sorrow, since he was a rosy-cheeked man many described as “jolly.” (And yes, on more than one occasion he donned that red suit and played the part of the really jolly man with rosy cheeks for the children during our community holiday party, though we—Hindus all—celebrate Christmas in only a secular way.)
It would have been nice to commemorate his passing with some achievement, with some thing to be proud of, but I realize now that “something” is me—I’ve been a work-in-progress all year, a broken shell of myself, a Humpty Dumpty fallen off the wall. And I’ve been collecting the pieces and gluing them all back together. The cracks still show, but the form is returned to a whole.
I wonder what this next year will bring, without him. But I think I’m ready to attempt it.
3 thoughts on “One Year Of Loss”
So wonderfully written Preeti. I remember him with his jolly red cheeks and he would be so happy hearing u healing and remembering him so positively. He will always be as such a jolly red bright star watching over us smiling!
May your Dad live in your heart forever, but may the pain slowly disappear. May the memories of your moments together stay with you always and know that wherever he is, he is watching you with pride. May 2018 bring you and the family much peace and love. Stay strong and keep faith.
Though at a distance, your pen pal and friend for life,
I feel the same way about my sister after 4 years but I keep pressing on.
You are definitely the “something” and I think he is proud. 🙂