He Likes Me for Me, or Not, Part 5

In the spirit of love and romance brought on by ubiquitous candy-red hearts, I spent February on a series about The One Successful Setup and some of the many that failed before him.  Here is the conclusion, and some lessons learned along the way.  In case you missed the first four parts of the series, click here: 1 2 3 4

The Blessid Union of Souls’ song “Hey Leonardo” about loving others as they are is a powerful lesson in what will bring one longterm joy in relationships.  “She likes me for me, and not because…”

Candy_heart_by_Michelle_Tribe-copy

Over the last few weeks, we’ve discussed why some of my setups were doomed to failure.  Today, I’d like to offer a few musings about the lessons learned from each of them.

From the Misogynist: People that don’t treat you well when they don’t know you are unlikely to start treating you better.  Have you ever noticed that we’ll go out of our way to be polite to absolute strangers, but we can say the most hurtful things to the people we love the most?

From Perfect on Paper: although our minds tell us not to get attached, our hearts act independently.  Don’t wait to meet someone, getting attached all along the way, until you know the feeling is reciprocated.  Here’s an instance where being able to meet someone face-to-face quickly is a huge advantage.

And from Mr. Disapproving: good-looking guys are all jerks.  Oh, wait, no, K isn’t (a jerk, that is.  He’s plenty good-looking…)  All joking aside, don’t let a pretty face lull you into complacency when evaluating a setup.

So my advice, in a few words: You deserve a partner who treats you well and supports you.  Don’t let the pressures of setups convince you to fold on the most important criteria—whether he likes you for you.

Image: “Candy Hearts” by Michelle Tribe is licensed under CC BY 2.0

He Likes Me for Me, or Not, Part 4

In the spirit of love and romance brought on by ubiquitous candy-red hearts, here is a series about The One Successful Setup and some of the many that failed before him.  In case you missed the first three parts of the series, click here (1 2 3).

The song “Hey Leonardo” celebrates the love between two people who aren’t interested in changing one another: “She likes me for me, and not because…”

Candy_heart_by_Michelle_Tribe-copyOver the last few weeks, we’ve discussed why some setups are doomed to failure.  Today, we address the most expensive* lesson, but, luckily for me, also one of the last.  I met my husband about six months after meeting Mr. Disapproving.

*Monetarily, not emotionally, expensive.  Thankfully.  We’ll discuss the cost of setups at a later date.

So back to Mr. Disapproving, who was one very good-looking fellow.  So what if he couldn’t understand a word of my cosmopolitan American accent*?

*If you’ve heard me speak, you know I can turn on the Southern charm as needed, but I’m pretty accent-free normally.

Oh wait, a question in your charming European accent, Mr. Disapproving.  Did you ask me why I do martial arts?  (That’s an easy one.)  Because it makes me feel strong, physically and emotionally.

But why do I want to feel strong, (asks the health professional) and why don’t I just run instead?  Uh, because it gives me confidence, and I don’t like running?

And you want me to take up running anyway?  What’s next, telling me how to dress?  See ya, punk**.  Don’t put down my hobbies, especially when they include learning the most effective way of kicking the hindquarters of folks like you.

**I told you I could turn on the charm.

Lesson learned: so long as I’m not causing harm to myself or others (bruises and bumps excluded in the dojang), no guy has the right to tell me how to spend my free time.  If I like you, there’s a good chance I’ll spend my free time with you.

Stay tuned for the next post in this series!

Image: “Candy Hearts” by Michelle Tribe is licensed under CC BY 2.0